Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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