Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
you made out with another girl for some wings
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
