Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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