I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
