Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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