i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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