made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm really busy with my period
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