I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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