rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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