Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
