Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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