You really coming over, don't trick.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
