why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
