This girl is more easily done than said...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
