Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
organizing the empties. That sober.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
