apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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