So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
