I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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