I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize