Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Randomize
