Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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