i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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