You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
