I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
