Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
