I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
