It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
