I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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