Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
