So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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