There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
