you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
