3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Green mimosas i think yes
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
