My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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