the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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