Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I intend to get homeless drunk
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
