I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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