please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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