Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
