I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
