How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize