Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
