I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
