I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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