I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize