your thong is hanging out like whoa
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Randomize
