best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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