she woke up with a sticky ear
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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