i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Still dying that you shit outside
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
