He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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