Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
