Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize