i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
