My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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