i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
