then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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