I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
