Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
