You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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