oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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