If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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