my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
