Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
