those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize