someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
