I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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