She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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