problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
