watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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