hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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