he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
