What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
