3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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