Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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