If i could tip my vagina, i would.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
